Thoughts on Motherhood
I have wanted to sit down and write a post about becoming a mother since, well, I gave birth to our daughter Emma. But I’ve never been able to find the words, worrying that I’m not going to do this topic justice. In fact, it feels daunting. And because every moment is so fleeting these days, I’ve felt like for every milestone or moment I’ve felt compelled to write about, it floated away before I was able to. 8 months in now and I feel like there is too much to recap. I feel guilty for not documenting each passing month, though I know I shouldn’t. Those moments are etched in me, better than any photo could capture. And as much as the newborn phase feels just like yesterday, I have the hardest time grasping hold of the feelings, emotions, and moments that time held. It’s as if I’m trying to reach out and grab hold of them but they just slip through my fingers. Sounds cliché (and like an ABBA song) but it’s exactly how it feels.
Now that I’m here and sitting down at my laptop to write about this, I feel compelled to share the experience of where I am at now. I’m starting to view motherhood as a constant evolution, both of myself and of my child (perhaps my husband could relate too). For Emma, the evolution is quite obvious, she’s literally growing in front of our eyes. Every week brings a new Emma-ism and its these new changes that are so fun but can also be so challenging. In terms of my own evolution, every day is a practice in patience and letting go of control. And I’ll be honest, I’ve found it incredibly challenging. The frequent night-wakings, the fussings for no apparent reason, the nap that got cut short, the messy kitchen (the messy hair). These daily occurrences add up and take their toll and while motherhood has brought out the best of me in many ways, it’s brought out the worst at times too.
I’ve come to learn just how important it is to practice self-care in motherhood, though I know it’s so much easier said than done. It might even be considered selfish. But the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup” has never resonated more. There are (many) days where there is simply no more water in the cup. Honestly, a lot of days start with an empty cup (hello, sleepless nights). But it’s simply not sustainable. While the selfless mother seems to be “the norm”, I’m feeling some resistance to it. I can’t seem to accept that I will never have time for myself again. And maybe I (we) don’t have to? I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking that women have to sacrifice everything about themselves for others. As I like to remind myself, two things can be true. I can be an attentive, present mother and prioritize my mental, physical and emotional well-being.
While time to myself is certainly at a premium these days (and probably for the next 20 years), I’ve been finding ways to layer in moments of self-care. These practices help refill my cup and make sure I’m tending to my needs. Some are quick and simple while others require planning and coordinating with others:
Sitting down for a guided meditation right after I put Emma down for her first nap
Skipping the scroll before bed and reading a fiction book instead
Picking up weekly flowers on my grocery run with Emma (tip: Tuesdays are when most stores get their fresh stock for the week)
Listening to an inspiring podcast on solo walks with the dog after Ben gets home (a much needed break)
Taking a bath with a bath bomb once Emma goes to bed for the night
Going to an exercise class while Ben or a family member is with Emma
Journaling or blogging (something I’m trying to get back into)
Adding a shower steamer to my morning shower (while Emma has her first nap)
Friend dates sans bébé
As Emma begins to sleep longer stretches both day and night (finally!), I am starting to get more time and mental energy back to myself. I am finding ways to layer back in those rituals and activities that make me feel like me, but also a new version of me. One that would do anything for my daughter but also takes intentional time to care for myself.
